i'm fine thank you

i feel.. hm, have you ever noticed i write about how i feel. why is that? why on earth would i share my feelings? i have no idea. why do i feel better after i write a blog? as if anything changes with that...it's the same as crying. i always feel kinda better after a good cry, but it's stupid cause nothing is different. you know what i mean... like as if you would get back together with a boy after cry, and as if your white sweater will turn back to white after your mother has colored it to pink and as if the war will end after you stop crying. it won't! but yet we do cry and always will...cause just like after every storm there's a sunny day, there always comes a smile on your face after a good cry.
and we do it spontaneoulsy so i guess it's natural. a baby tells you something is wrong with crying so crying is obviously the most natural thing.
but why am i talking about crying now? i'm not crying at the moment, don't get me wrong. i am most happy and almost carelless. it feels kinda privilege. watching people around you being sad, having problems, crying their hearts out. i see myself in them, but myself as me in a past time. and when i see them suffer, i realise i'm fine. you know...i'm fine.
well, don't get me wrong i'm not really that fine, considering all the bullshit that's going on in my home. but as i learned on my journey '' if you change your thoughts, you then change your feelings'' . and that's how it is.


i'm fine.

i'm happy and i'm cranky and i'm tired and excited at the same time! isn't it great to feel this way?hehe!
so many things are happening right now in my life i'm having trouble in following them all. but i'm managing somehow, i have to, life gives me no other choice and nevertheless i picked this things by myself. sometimes i don't know why, but i did.

so, i became sort of a vice president of our capoeira group. well, you know all this fancy tittles don't bring any fancy stuff, just a lot of work and responsibility. i guess if my dad would knew, he would be proud, but i'm not telling him. we're still in a war zone and i don't really have any intention in changing my attitude until he will start to respect me,which is like never! =)

anyways, i also ended my temporary job,which is one of the best news today! i was so happy to end this period of my lfe, cause now i can go on, searching for something better and more creative. i met nice people and i met some not so nice people, but i learned from both of them.

now the christmas is coming and all, so i decided i will visit my grandma, she can be sweet sometimes =) hehe, yeah i know hat you think..like all grandmas should be sweet and nice and all... but, yeah keep living in denial people. mine can be pretty annoying most of the time! but nevermind, i'll put some christmas songs on my mp3 (IF i get it back from reclamation!) and start to feel christmasy! lol, i just made this word up - christmasy! =)

oh, i forgot to tell you about the other fridaywhen we had this secret friend game at thr trainning. we do this every year, you pick a name of one of the person in the groupand you buy something to him. then you have to imitate his ginga or the way he plays capoeira or just some moveshis does in everydaylife, like how he smiles or does some other gesture.anyways, then you give him the gift! and this year i picked the paper where it said Leaozinho. it is my very sweet friend with whom i share The Rainbow! so it was a perfect person to be my secret friend! and i bought him a perfect gift of course!! i bought him a rainbow...and he was really, really happy i could see it on his face and felt it in his hug! i was so glad!

so, now i have to go to trainning...wow, tell me something new! =) have yourself a very merry little christmas!

glimmer, spectacle, le grande pharse

photo by sps

it's one of those nights when i have the luxury to stay up late and get in touch with myself. i already wanted to switch off the c0mp and go to sleep but watching the blog of one of my ex-boyfriends made me think to write a post on my own blog.
today i was at a volleyball match and my ex was shooting photos there. it made me go back in time. remember things. and then also a long almost forgotten friend found me on one ofmy profiles. so i guess today is a day to remember old stuff. sometimes when i try to find reasons why my life went as it did, why certain things happened as they did and not in any other way... i kinda understand that they had to happen to me, because i did some stuff in my past, so now they're coming back to me. you know what they say... if you do something bad, it will return to you twice as bad. and it does, i swear. so now i really try to do stuff that don't harm anyone in any sense. but the most important thing from all of this is to be honest.
so anyways... i was writting this message to Maša, the friend that went to live in Australia after spending months on a ship working and then meeting there the love of her life that is now her husband. and they will live happilly ever after... and while i wrote this message i realised how many things i did in this realtively short time since she's gone. and i feel sometimes as if nothing is ever moving on!? i guess we have to do this sort of things to remind ourselves where were we and what have we become. we do change, just that sometimes we need more time to realise how.

i'm reading a book called The society of spectacle. it is a frightening book if you think about it. it talks about our society and how we live and yet we don't actually live our lives. we are observers of an spectacle that is going on in front of us, taking our lives, our time, our money, our souls. it may seem dramatic, but it is so. i started to observe the world i live in with more openned mind and openned eyes. we have to sometimes just become observers of your society so that we can see what is actually going on.
today when i was at a volleyball match there was this huge mass of people all cheering for their team. i experimented with my perception... in one moment i was like all the other euphoric cheering crowd and in the next moment i froze inside and just observed all the chaos. i felt strange. i felt as if right there, right then i was in the middle of my life spectacle. it was a strong comparison with our lives in general. i was scared you know. scared that there are all this huge masses of population not aware of what has been done to them, is still done to them.... but then again.. my fear is real! there are this masses... and i'm just one little tiny piece of it... where are the other invisible pieces that sometimes do go beyond this spectacle to take a deep breathe and stop all this pharse!?

this is for today... can not hold it any longer, i'm too tired, i have to switch off!

roles...

i sometimes have a lack of motivation for doing stuff, well you all know how that is..i guess it happens to everybody. my problem is that i always want to be good in anything i try and if i don't achieve satisfying results in short time i quit. but don't get me wrong, it's not like i wanna be better than other people i don't compare with others, but i compare with myself (if that's even possible) and if i think i'm not good enough (good enough for what?) i stop doing it. i've often thought about why is this so and i kinda came to one answer. this could sound very cliché, but i'll blame it on my parents, particularly on my dad. he's the one that has always been expecting a lot from us. in anything i did i had to be good in order to recieve some notice, of course nothing was ever good enough. and anything i picked to do in my childhood (and still now) is just a bunch of bullshit to him. but the problem is that he often has no idea of whatsoever what is it that i do. i'm not saying he's always done the wrong thing in my education and all.. for example he gave me this idea in my head that i had to stand out from the crowd, which i find good, but the bad side of his education was that you always have to prove yourself to him. and i find that absolute nonsense. not then and not now i have no intention to prove myself to him, if i ever did so, i did it subconciously. i don't find it necesary for me or him to do it.
i believe that his desire originates in himself, not in us. because of what he never achieved in his life, he now is passing his unfulfilled wishes to his children. not necesarily the exact same things...but simply the fear of non succes of failure. i can not explain his behaviour in any other way than this.
i know i'm not a professional psychologist or anything, but i'm almost sure that i didn't miss my point a lot. i mean there has to be a logic explanation why would a parent constantly call his own children losers and making them feel nonusefull, unsuccesful and stupid!?! i'm glad i have so much brains in my head to have come to this conclusion and can now live like a normal and selfconfident person.

but think about all those children that are serious victims of their own parent mental abuse. it's not only this, there are many, many ways of how parents can metally abuse their children, i know some of them cause they are happening to me. so i'm often thinking what a responsible role it is to be a parent. a lot o people don't realise that. they just bring all their traumas and fears on to their little creatures.
uf, it's a hard theme i've brought on... i didn't even know i will write about it. many times when i start to write my blog i don't know what i'll write about. this time i was looking at the picture that is posted at the top of the blog, it is my sister sitting on the staircase of a church reading a book. i love her. and i love my little bro too. he's not that little anymore though, he's turnning 18 on saturday. oh sure..he's gonna be so responsible from then on..just as i was and my sister was! =) hehehe! we're still kids and i'll always be their older sister officially. but sometimes i changed the roles in the family and i became the parent of them both. but i guess that's another hard debate. i'll leave it for some other time.

all the blessings of my life

Špela

Bojchy

Matejka

Khathka and Peri

i am in love...but don't ask me who with, cause it's not the right question. i'm in love with today, with all the days that resemble this one, all the moments when i feel at the right place at the right time. it's a feeling when you don't need to specify the exact cause of your happines cause everything around you makes you feel as if it's just as it is supossed to be. for those who had a feeling like this in their lifes, they know what i mean..and for those who didn't..i wish they would! it's saturday, and since couple of weeks ago this is the day of our weekly reunions with my girls. and i have to say, i'm so blessed for having them around. i just feel so nice when we are sitting together talking about everything, huging each other, laughing together...it is the time we took for ourselves and we have to cherish it. for the first time now, i feel like a woman. sharing all this secrets and problems and thoughts with other special women that i love and respect. it's a feeling i wouldn't trade for anything! =)

past two weeks i'm in constant pain, because of the car crash. my back hurts in any position i am, doesn't matter if i sit, stand or lie. it's not pleasant at all and not even painkillers help to get the pain away. it's a shitty shituation, but i'm kinda hanging on. i mean i'm devastated cause i can't do capoeira, so now i'm participating on trainnings only by playing on instruments and it makes me feel bad in a way. but Ubaldo seems to have realised how he needs my help. and therefore i try to give my energy to make the quality of the trainnings go up. yesterday i couldn't last till the last trainning cause i was in pain so much, so i went home. but later on he called me and asked me how i am. i think that was really nice of him. then i also got a message from some of my capoerista friends that told me they missed me on trainnings. all this blessings are making me even more connected and devoted to our group.
i'm hopefully finishing my project for the kids on schools, so after new year i shall be able to present it to some of the local schools an start to teach children capoeira.

kachiiing!!

Patricia and me

you know how sometimes you have like only one thought in your head, and yometimes there is a huge amount of ideas, thoughts and feeling floating down your mind? well, at the moment i'm in the second state. so many things i need to understand, analyze, ask...

i had a car accident on sunday. but this was only one of the group of things that happened. it was al connected with my state of mind last few days. i already told you about sme in my previous post. and then i was talking to Ubaldo and he also reminded me yesterday, that all this things were all connected and that i have to be carefull. i know that, but i just haven't figure out what is wrong, what is leading me to all of this.

my dreams tell me it's mostly the thing of the heart. i am always dreaming about Sabin. even today i did. and it was a wierd dream, cause he was acting as if we are together again and calling me the love of my life. why? i don't get it. is it the projection ofmy sub conciousnes, or is it because of the things people are saying to me about him. i'm confused and angry. and then like from the middle of nowhere i had this dream about the portuguese guy from the trainnings yesterday. i was with him in Lisbon. so now i don't understand anything anymore.

and i'm worried about Patricia, i wish to be by her side so much, but we are so far away. i feel she needs me now, more than ever. i feel so helpless, but at least she is telling me what's happening, so that i feel i'm not losing her. i love her so much. i've never felt like this towards a person, it's really special feeling.

and then i was watching David Icke movies again, and he says how we should libearte ourselves and i try to, but with so many things on my mind i have to analyze them all and understand them all in order to evolve and it's so goddamn hard. day has only 24 hours..i guess that's why i even dream about all this, so that i analyze all this stuff in my dreams. uh, i'm telling you..it's hard to be me! =)

and then... i'm asking myself again...why am i even writting all this most intimate stuff here for everyone to read them. oh, right cause i'm not supposed to care what others think about me, cause everyone has the right to think and feel whatever he does. and to show people it's not so hard to reveal yourself. afterall i am in lot of shit at the moment, so how could i even go any deeper! =) ehehe, just joking!

so, what's on my weekly agenda for this week:
1. liberate yourself!
2. liberate yourself!
3. break the eggshell, and liberate yourself!
4. ...................................................................................................................................................................

quem vem la? sou eu.

ok, today was a wierd day and i'm glad it ended with nice energy. things happened which made me rather fall out of my energy flow and i didn't expect.
even my teacher of capoeira noticed i'm not really there with my thoughts. i kept forgetting things and stuff i even cried.
well, nevermind...i'm really, really glad that after evening trainnings it all sorted out and i'm again in my energy flow.

my friend maja told me the other day she really admires me, how i share my life with people that read my blog. well, practically anyone can... and i started to think about it. so what if everyone knows that i'm sad, happy, worried, and so on? is it really so hard to open yourself to people? i know..it makes you vulnerable and that is what people are afraid of. but i don't think that way, i think if i feel i have to take out all this things that are there on my mind and if i feel better after i do it... then i will continue writting my blog. and i also think that people that read it are not people who don't like me right? so there's no reason for them to hurt me because they know things about me. nevertheless there are some people i think read my blog, but don't understand it and maybe there is no point in them doing this, but i can't forbid them from doing this right. it's a free country ;) heheh!

maybe some of you think i don't remember you in my thoughts and never think about you, but believe me a lot of people that read my blog are mentioned in it, often not by their names, but if they read carefully they may find a sentence they can identify with. think about it, my mind is a wide place and i have a lot of time to think. there is a special moment for you all in my mind, everyone of you!

i was watching a movie Babel yesterday and i wanted o share my thoughts with you on this. i recommend it to everyone. it's a strong movie and believe me i'm a hard customer!=) i cried like at least 4 times!! omg!;)
but don't get me wrong it's not a girly movie of any kind. it just has this strong scenes in sense of the power that you can feel, the sympathy for the characters in the movie, the anger because you know the truth which is sometimes understood wrongly, depends on the point of the wiever... seriously, a good movie worth to be watched. three stories on different parts of the world, all connected somehow. nevermind that Brad Pitt is starring, but i have to say in this one he gave out a good act.

so my friends, this is it for todays blabbering.... keep the MAVRICA in your heart!

mavrica

sometimes i wanna be so deep in my posts..and other days, i'm all about simple. today i'm in simple state i think =)
i still didn't pass my crysis, but i guess i kinda faced it and am now calm. it's not the end of the world if i stand on this point now.. in few months i'll be somewhere totally else and i'll laugh to this.
katjuša is going to China for 1 year..but last days we are spending together give me so much nice energy. we have mavrica (rainbow) that is always chasing us. and it keeps me going on... keep it simple!


this is our special mavrica song that Katjuša and Andrej made up:

pet, pet, pet...
pet, pet, pet...
ena, ena, ena... e-ena
ena, ena, ena... e-ena

endlesness

i'm at existential crysis or whatever is it called my state of being at the moment. i have so many ideas that i want to make real, but i'm not sure if i can do it...well,not actually, bad pick of words, i can do them all, i just don't know when will i be able to do them or how. they are all longterm actually, and i guess i'm not really a perfect example of patience. thinking in years is too much for me...i wanna do it now! but i simply can't. i wanna travel to Brasil, everyone knows that, and it's been my biggest wish since i started capoeira. but i'm counting that i will be able to go sometime next year at this time...november, december. but that's so long ahead...
i can't imagine. i never thought in this manner before. i don't know i guess it's because i'm at this point in my life where i'm deciding what i wanna do with my life. maybe i'm thinking about it too much.
then there's this idea that i got about moving to live and work in Mauritius..and suddenly i realised, that maybe a landscape architecture is not useful in every part of the world. i don't know...i've been talking to people from there and many have told me that IT is certainly the best profession to succeed. so i guess i'll have more chances with my graphic design education. i'm also learning InDesign now, which is a must in graphic design program nowdays. but all this is again longterm thinking. i will not be able to move there without some money right!?
so here it goes..my job. what am i supossed to do here...i mean..if i look for a serious job, noone will take me if i tell them i have no intention to stay and live in this country. and if i look for temporary solution..i end up with stupid jobs that bring me small money and no progress. with progress i mean they don't have to do anything with my education. so, what's the deal? i don't know... i'm stagnating at this point where i'm not really the happiest person at all feeling sory for myself! i hate that! =(

and there's this memory of Sabin that is always and still chasing me. i simply can't get him out of my mind. and it's wierd...you know how you sometimes feel that things are not concluded yet? well, i have this feeling with this. and i am not really happy to have it...it's not making me happier at all. but i keep saying to myself, hey girl..it will go away, this things need time... yeah whatever!
in the meanwhile i just try to be creative and keep a smile on my face. eventhough it's fake sometimes...


'liberate yourself'

abc capoeire

A de angola
B de berimbau
C de capoeira que levanta meu astral
D de dende
E de esquiva
F é forma roda importanté
G de ginga

Vem cá meninos, vem aprender,
vou te ensinar o ginga do do ABC
Vem cá menino, vem aprender,
vou te ensinar o ginga do do ABC

H de harmonía
I de instrumenti
J jogadór
K de qué kompositor
L é leaodade
M é mandingéiro
N é negacéia
..... O de orchestra tem q temos do respeito...

Vem ca meninos, vem aprender,
vou te ensinar o ginga do do ABC,
Vem ca meninos, vem aprender,
vou te ensinar o ginga do do ABC

P de Pastinha, grande mestre que se foi,
Q de quilombo do negro trabalhador
R é regional, mestre Bimba que crío
S é senzala onde todo comeco,
T
U de uniăo isso năo pode faltar
V de vadiacăo
X de xangó
Z zumbi

Vem ca meninos, vem aprender,
vou te ensinar o ginga do do ABC,
Vem ca meninos, vem aprender,
vou te ensinar o ginga do do ABC


i'm having intense weekend of capoeira this last few days. my knees are ruined, my feet hurt from mea luas de compaso and armadas, i'm tired fo speaking and thinking in portuguese..but I LOVE IT!! =) i got this e-mail the other day that made me pretty sure that i'm a capoeira addict. and now i'm ready to admit it in front of the whole internet community... hei, i'm maja and i'm an addict, capoeira addict that is=) capoeira is life... that's what my professor always says..and he's right. and life isn't always easy and nice and sunny, not at all. but if you always try to keep it positive you soon forget the bad things and just remember the good ones that made you the way you are. and capoeira can give you a lot. i've got my capoerista sisters and brothers that take care of me and i take care of them..it's unity within we function as one. everyone has his rights, but also his duty. my cordăo isn't just a thing to be bragging around with...but i have to be aware that all those behind me, are always watching me and repeating after me. if i put my leg wrong, they will put it too...and if professor sees that..it's gonna be my fault, not his. i'm gonna have to do 20..not the other one. today we're going to Milano. there is a batizado of mestre Penna, it's other group so that means different rules, styles, different people. we represent our group Capoeira tradicăo baiana... and as capoeristas of our group we have to act respectful and always be aware that it's not just about us. the higher your graduation is... the less is about you i think, the more you have to think about others. i'm gonna start to teach children one day... that's the greatest rensposability! it's like being a parent, teaching a child to walk and talk. ufffff.... major stuff =)

superior love, superior people

i know jah love is superior... this is a song i'm currently listening to. i love the song, but the lyrics got me thinking. superior love..what is that?why does it exist anyway... who made it up? it seems to me, that it was made up for those lost souls that feel lonely and not loved, so with this superior love is like sort of comfort for them...like saying to a kid :'' hei, it's okay if your friends don't like you, you're loved anyway.'' i don't know, maybe i'm wrong, but all this dust around love and being loved is present everywhere. don't get me wrong, i think love is something reallly nice and all, but talking about it doesn't bring you satisfaction. it is simply by doing things you like and make you happy, and are in order with worlds energy flow... the love comes by itself. you can feel it inside you and it doesn't matter if you give or recieve cause in that moment it simply doesn't matter. and the question is... what is love anyway? how do we know we feel love the same. every person can feel it or project it on its own. it's true that we are always surrounded with some projections of love from outside, but what if it isn't always like that. you know what i mean? like we see a couple kissing and huging and we say..oooh, they are so in love... but it doesn't necesary means this is love to somebody else. i don't know this is just a blink of my thoughts...maybe it's true, maybe wrong..who kows, but the purpose of this text will be acomplished if the reader opens his mind and just think about what i said. maybe he discovers something big... maybe he finds his own love and he won't need superior love anymore.

love is freedom...freedom is love

i didn't know we can make past feelings alive again, like to incarnate them. i don't like that, i'm sort of person living for the moment...but there is simply one feeling that keeps coming back. and it hurts and i want it to go away... just don't know how to do it! it wasn't supossed to happen like this, i feel that there was a mistake in the process. just like a waitress brings you tea instead of coffee you ordered...you still drink it cause you don't want her to have any problems, but you know that coffee is what you need and it's the only thing that can satisfy you. that's how i feel now.... i'm drinking tea instead of coffee!

the end and the beggining, and the end and the beggining

there's a wast diversity of theories about our lives. it is hard for one to decide which one is closest to his understanding of the things around him. i don't yet know which one i prefer, but i i guess some of each. the strongest is the one that we are led by this small group of people who own the worlds knowledge. and that all this massive manipulation is based on knowledge or ignorance on the other side. but nevertheless, i was not intending to talk about this today. i want to talk about deeper things, the ones that are happening inside us.

i had a dream today, it was a two stories dream..the one where you follow two stories at the same time. one was about manipulation and how i bravely discovered that someone is trying to kill me but i was smarter than them, so i elegantly was escaping this people. anyways...that got me thinking about this job i am trying to start. it is risky and i don't fully trust the people, but on the other side i really wanna try.

and the other part of the dream included my ex. that was the hard part. it still makes me feel little strange if i think about it now that i'm already awake. the dreams were strange, cause we were in a place we could never meet now, since our worlds don't cross anymore..but it was so intimate and gentle. i know all this is just a projection of my conciousness, but yet... what if... ah well. he gave me clear and obvious picture that he does not want to maintain any contacts with me on friday when he didn't even show to say hy to me. i think that was more than enough for me to know that he's not a man, but a little child. and children are fine and cute.. but they need to learn many things.


my sweet friend once wrote: after i finished building my ship, the sea water disappeared.

happy thoughts

again it's late at night and i'm still up. i was captured in the beautiful world of sudoku. i try to make at least one a day, just to keep my brains working. now that i'm at the end of my studies i have to make them busy some other way. well, i am proudly to say, that today i brought to daylight my very firts page of what is in the future gonna be my diploma, my graduation thesis. i promised myself yesterday in bed that i'm gonna start today and i actually did. i'm kinda proud of myself. but not as much because of the work i did, but over of the fact that i really moved myself from one point to actually make something.
i have a new approach now...i have this technique called happy thoughts. i'm sure you've all heard about it from Peter's pan Neverland... but have you tried it. i mean really did it? i didn't until today. it's funny...but it works. so today was the firts day of the rest of my life. and whenever i started to feel lazy or tired or without energy...kachiiing, there i was thinking happy thoughts. i'm sure lot's of people will find this ridiculous, but let them. everyone has it's right to think as they wish.. and i'm that silly person that felt great all day, because of this ridiculous doing. and that's all that matters. i read somewhere today... feelings are shaped by our thoughts. so that means that if i think happy thoughts there is a big chance i will feel happy most of the time. and that my dear friends is what makes me more attractive to positive things in life. i am content with this moment and i believe that i have all i need at this point. it doesn't mean i understand everything that happens, but i accept it.

as for example, today Anina decided that mondays capoeira classes will no longer be held, since there is very low procentage of people coming regularly. i don't know why is it so, but it shall all come out with time. maybe here is my chance to start something on my own. so as soon as i find someone to translate my capoeira programme for kids into italian, i will step in action and find a school that will be interested in having this classes.

as for my lovelife, i've been keeping it a little bit aside. still thinking about the things that happened, but the time has passed and there is no more space in my heart left for mourning. i am on my own, and my professor of capoeira gave me the best advice, probably not even knowing how i needed it at that exact moment. we are always on our own, even in a relationship we stand alone.
so now i represent me and noone else is ever gonna take that away from me.

absofuckinlutelly fabulous

it happened, i had a first trainning as a teacher. i know it must sound funny to some, that i'm excited about such a thing, but i feel great. i feel i'm bursting all this energy i want to share with others, all this knowledge, beauty, this art of capoeira! maybe i'm even more excited about trainning these people as they are, ehehe! but when i'm doing it, i just forget about everything, no worries, thoughts rather than those of capoeira. this is my chance to change something, to leave a mark in someones mind. isn't that just beautiful, sharing your knowledge with others. knowing it can only make them better, feel them good... it's absofuckinlutelly fabulous! =) cheerio**

s.h.i.t.

i've had a long day with lots of heavy stuff on my mind. is it always like this.. the more you get into one thing, the more you start to learn things are not as they seem on the outside. there is always some shit going on in behind. i hate that, i don't want to be a part of anything like that, but i guess if you belong to a group of people you also have to accept it along you go. it makes me sad, that even in capoeira things can sometimes get rough, but as we are always saying, capoeira é vida. capoeira is life.. so how can it be without some ugly, unwanted stuff. things are changing and i try to be as neutral as possible. my situation is not easy at all, since i'm again the one that knows all the stories and everyone trusts me. in order to maintain this, i should stay out of it, but the fact that i belong to a group, it automatically makes me on one side, doesn't it? i don't know. i guess... but i'm not hunderd percent sure. do i have to fight with someone, that my friend is fighting with? that's not my phylosophy. people have different relationships to each other, so one can be mean to my friend, but totally nice to me for example. because we all give out different vibes. and some match, some don't. aarhg, this is too much for me today... need to get my head up straight and look positivelly forward. maybe i should read one of those manuals for life... ehehe! =)

giant billboards and the meaning of life

i fell on my head before. yeah, i was doing some capoeira experiments... what can you do!;) shit happens, i'd show the videos, but i'm just to lazy to upload them, since i would first have to learn how to do that. some other time maybe. my head hurts now...hm, maybe it'll open up for some of that knowledge that need to be injected for tomorrows exam..heheh! anyways, what have i been up too lately? eeh, nothin' much.. just stuck in this exam period..i don't know, i'm starting to think if i was taking it too serious. cause it seems as if my life stops from end of may till beggining of july and again between end of august till end of september. but no worries, it's all gone peter tong..ehehe, well the exams at least are gone. have 2 more left for next period otherwise as far as i'm concerned this studying ended for me. still can't believe it. but hei, don't worry about me, you know how i've always came up with some new ideas... well, this time is no exception. i have plans for my forth coming months. i'm gonna study for this exam to gain a tourist guide licence and then my friends... well, who knows where i'll end up. i'm so freaking excited. i know it's a long way till there, but how would a life without changes and challenges be? i hear ya... BOOORING! i know right! =)

well, jasny is in rotterdam which i intend to visit someday in october or december, still haven't decided which month is less cold and inapropriate to travel in=)) but hey...if i survived brussells in january i can do rotterdam in december!=) piece of cake ;) so, that it for today... can't tell you everything can i? i have to keep some secrets from you, and you can be sure i have some ;) just to give you a hint.. the previous post is not even close to forgotten and i've come up with some new interesting stuff. believe me, life is great is you make it for yourself. don't be afraid...just do it!


mauritius here i come...jeronimoooooo!!!!

the conspiracy theory

okay, i'm officially starting to freak out on this thing. i mean i'm not scared, cause fear is what makes us vulnerable.. but the fact that someone is playing with our lives is not the most comfortable one. i mean i was always found of the idea that WE are the makers of our own lives.. but according to some stuff i read, it is not so! my sister is laughing at me for being naive.. but i just want to explore what the hell is going on. i mean i know a lot of people maybe never even heard that there is a possibility of a great conspiracy, and that's bad. i know we all want to feel safe and cousy.. but hey, don't be so easy and think before you do something. do you really want it or does somebody else wants it and you are doing it in order to be what people think of you. i'm gonna quote David Icke who said "Only a few can control the world, because we've conceded our right to be who we are to somebody else." cause we are captured inside our little society bubble and we have this rules to which we live up to, no knowing why are they good for us, or who made them up. and somebody outside this bubble is controling all this. i just wanted to say, that we don't have to be afraid of what others think of us, we should let others be what they are and accept them, and even though we have different opinion with someone, we should let him tell his, and us having our own.. but yet be friends and respect each other. and you might wanna check on this:
david icke interwiew

feel it, listen to yourself

Čustvena inteligentnost zajema sposobnosti kot so: prepoznavanje svojih čustvenih potreb in omejitev, vzpodbujanje sebe in kljubovanje frustracijam, nadziranje vzgibov in odlaganje z zadovoljitvijo, obvladovanje razpoloženja in sproščanje stisk, ki zavirajo sposobnost razmišljanja, vživljanje v čustva drugih, upanje, razvoj sočutja itd. Čustvena inteligenca je preprosto povedano inteligentna uporaba čustev.


Čustveno inteligentna oseba ves čas ve, kaj čuti, in zna to tudi izraziti ob pravem času na prav način, pa čeprav so njena čustva "neprijetna". To ji ne omogoča le boljšega poznavanja in razumevanja svojih čustvenih potreb, temveč tudi čustvenih potreb drugih. Laže premaguje spore, zna se vživljati v druge, optimizem in pozitivna naravnanost pa jo delata močnejšo in bolj samozavestno. Čustvena inteligenca je preprosto povedano inteligentna uporaba čustev.

Inteligenco naših čustev je po mnenju mnogih strokovnjakov kar je 80 odstotkov uspeha in lahko jo razvijamo in izpopolnjujemo skozi celo življenje, v nasprotju z IQjem, ki je prirojen.

http://www.lunin.net/

it's a very important part of our lives, but i have the feeling that a lot of people never even heard about it! how can that be, i mean we are after all beings with emotions and feelings, and yet we neglect that fact often. if we are aware that there is something like emotional inteligence... we try to explore in order to understand ourselves. that is what we are doing our whole lives anyway. getting to know each other but mostly getting to understand uselves.

and in this modern times, people should not be anymore repressed by society as we see too often. the society isn't always right, even though WE are the society. boys don't cry, don't show your emotions in order to hide your true vulnerability, respect everyone around but yourself, the man is the head of the family, etc.
stuff like that often tells us how we should react to certain situations and how to feel. but you can't just tell a man ho to feel. because of that we had forgotten to listen to ourselves. i work with people in their middle age, students and children when i teach capoeira... and you know which is the most important thing we tell them? breathe, listen to your body and do what your body can do, pressure it as far as you can, but not too much. cause people are deaf for their bodies, they lost contact.

ground zero

you have to let it go once. and i know now is the perfect moment to do it! but it's just so damn hard!!! if you're reading this... you tore my heart like noone did before and i'm sorry to say this, but you didn't really deserve it. there are so many things i would like to say to you, but i have the feeling you'll never be around to hear them. you don't know how to treat people, cause you don't know how to treat yourself.

with love and forgiveness....

captivity

i am a prisoner of my own mind... isn't that what some wise man once said? well, if it didn't it sure soundz like it and i can be the smart one!=) but seriously... i'm feeling aggravated by this studying. i'm truly held in captivity of my own home, my own room! it's scary and highly uncomfortable!! i'm counting the dayz to salvation, but they just aren't anywhere in sight. it's true, all the problems i get into because of the new system of the faculty, are disabling me from having less exames.. instead i just stagnate with 4! crap!anywayz, i hope things will get better soon, therefore i can not hold it for long now. i shall explode! lately only thing that gives me some of that creativity satisfaction is discovering depths of photoshop. yeah, fuck it, but computer is my new best and closest companion.. and i love it, cause all my friendz live in it!=) it's supossed to be a joke, but it also is the sad truth. so that's it for the time being... my state of mind... captured!

saudades

i was going through some of my long forgotten stuff in my drawer. well, they were not forgotten, but simply not used or looked at for a long time. but now i did something that i was supossed to do long time ago. and i'm happy i did it. it made me bring back my memories, nice ones. those from portugal. if Piri would be reading this i would proudly tell her, that i at last did what she told me to do. i translated the story in the book you've made for me on my birthday. then i found some other stuff from portugal and among them, there were this birthday wishes that i made my friends write at my party. i love to read those. they make my heart go bouncing. i love those people, i miss them very much.and one day... i'll hug them again, maybe not all of them, but some of them for sure. i feel sentimental at the moment...

click...

here i am again.. staying up late. maybe it's good for me to get used to this, cause k4 season will start soon...so it means night shifts. anyways... my day was not as good as i expected. it started..well, it was supossed to start with an exam. but the exam was not realised, cause nobody even knew we have one.. only me and tina! disaster, it's just not professional! i'm sooo happy that i'm almost finshing my school years. i didn't say i would love to work already, but i definetly need a change and getting a real decent job would be nice. but nooo, that's another story i wanted to talk about. it's the other half of the day that made it even worse. i went for this job interwiew which i put really high hopes on. in fact i was scared on the beggining, but later on, after the interwiew i was so full of energy and eager to start work in my professional field already. but it turned out on the end, that they liked me but some geeky coleague just had a better portfolio. so, it was my first kick off! it was a funny feeling, as if when you get dumped by a guy that says... i really like you.. but as a friend!! hahaha, well, that actually happened to me not so long ago... omg, is this becoming story of my life on all fields of my life?! =)))) so, now you know... and after i came home i was just in front of my computer playing with photoshop and thinking what the hell is my life all about! and here i still am..not asking anymore, cause it's no use. oh what the hell... i'll just go with the flow and i won't push it... that's what i always say and now it's time and place to do it.



stay beautiful my friends...

in memoriam...to me

it's me, it's about me, all about me. i was thinking and i realised that i constantly think about me, myself and i. it's true.. well, i guess a lot of people do, they just don't want to admit it. well, i admit, i don't care if you think i'm narcistic...i am aware of that. every minute of my life. it could also be, that these are the consecuences of a after realtionship state... you start to turn your attention back to you. working on yourself it could be called. i don't know. i even changed my myspace background just because the theme is all about me... everyone has an idol, mine is myself!=) how is that for my ego pump?=)
and all the looks i get from people around me.. why do you think i'm such a good observer? cause i'm watching people, if they're watching me...could i be such a person? obsessed with myself? it's scary if you think about it... and i'm probably not supossed to write about this now, cause it's not doing any good to anyone. but i just had the urge to let it out. to whoever will read this. it's almost 3'am and i feel totaly wierd, as if sudenly there will be a moment of revelation and my mind willskip another level. i just love night time. your mind starts to mess with your brains and there are no other distraction coming into you, cause everybody else is already in their alfa, omega state of dreaming. but what am i doing... am i not dreaming also.. halucinating!? i don't know, all i know is that i looove it!

just flow, don't push....

never say forever

i'm confused and i'm hurt but on the other hand i'm glad this endless waitting is over. i like my life to be clear, i don't mean that you have to schedule every moment of it, but if you say something, for that thing to actually be done. i need security, to know that i can count on someone in times of need. i am a lioness, strong and confident woman, but underneath all that there is a maja which needs a tender touch and safe arm. it's just that.
i was often wondering if i expect too much, cause i know the meaning of freedom, and i don't want to take it from anyone, but i've come to a conclusion that it's not my fault that some people can not give me what i need. i believe that everything can be solved by talking about it and finding a reasonable solution, but it needs all sides to cooperate. so if one is not putting any effort in making things better, well there is no point i guess. i know i will need more time, but that's okay. my life is not over. once i thought there is no life if i stay alone after this relationship, i couldn't imagine that... i never believed that it would come to this. but look at me now... it happened. so all that is left is either to suffer till the end of times, or trying to accept the fact and go on. and i guess that's what i'm trying to do here.

everything i need

i can still laugh. and i can still do things with positive vibe. and i can still say that love makes the world go on. and i can say that i have some darn good friends around me.

we were in croatia for 3 days. it's a short break, but it made me feel allright. and you know why? cause we were singing all the songs that we could think of with a guitar in the middle of the night around the neighbourhood, then went to the camp illegaly of course and lay on the beach, counting stars with my head down the hill... cause we played silly drinking games and even recorded ouselves.
cause we spend one evening talking about galaxies and sun, just making things we didn't know, up... and i spend 2 hours talking about Sabin without any bad feeling or anger or sadness.. and Severa was next to me.. listening and paying attention to every single word i said.
that's why, i can still laugh and be positive. i'm allright.

after

after almost 1 month of kinda getting used to single life, it's all coming back to me. i thought it would, but i was kind of hoping it wouldn't. i was asking myself how long you need to get over a person yu broke up with? but the more i think and write about it, the more i come to a conclusion that it's not getting over a person but accepting the life as it goes. it happened, so crying about it won't bring me satisfaction, not in the longterm. of course tears have to be cried out there's no doubt about it, but i'm afraid i'm gonna miss something important if i cry too much.. like my life for example!=) so i try to go on... trying to accept the idea of being alone. i'm floating somewhere at the moment... maybe in the clouds, jumping from one flash to another.. but it just seems the right thing to do in this moment. so this is it... respect yourself! respect others!

coffee and lavanda

i had 3 coffees today, 1 thai lunch, one štrudl that my mom made and almost 24hours of positive vibes around me, our lawn looks really nice now that i cut the grass, and my room smells nice, cause i picked some lavandula and put it on my desk. i would call this a good day, wouldn't you? this is one way of how you can look at it. the other is.... i had to get up early again, cause our car is still not fine and i had to take it to the service. i had only 5euros which i spend for coffee, even though i know i still have to pay my phone bill. i had to cut the lawn in our garden and then i had dirty feet which i know it won't go off for 2 more days. i broke my nails and i have a blister now. everytime i looked to the mirror i saw how badly i need a haircut.
so which version of my day would you pick? i decided to go with the first one. much more enjoyable and pleasant to finish a day with. =))

i'm a dreamer, i'm the biggest dreamer far around. maybe the only dreamers greater than me, are the aborighini. i would be miserable if i wouldn't been dreaming day time, night time.. always. i don't need much, just a word or two and i can make up a story to die for! i've often asked myself if i should be worried, but hey..noone is harmed, the only bad thing with this is, that it is me who often pulls the short straw on the end. cause reality is so much different from what i imagined in my head. and the stories have bitter ends. but nevertheless... i shall not stop, it's my addiction. i'm a dreamer, sonhador, sanjač...

terrakota had a concert in metelkova yesterday. i was of course in the first row dancing and smilling like crazy. and when the guy picked up his berimbau i was totally euphoric. it was one of the best concert in years i have to say. well, i don't go to that many concerts, so it was definetly the best one in a long time. okay, i was drunk.. but even if i wouldn't be.. i was feeling alright you know... despite all this exam period stress and work and money problems and heart problems.. i was feeling good! the energy of the day was positive. it rained, but i didn't care.. cause i was feeling fine. good feeling after long time. and then also the concert was groovin' so it was a perfect end of that day. it may had something to do with Dadás mail that he sent yesterday. i'm going to Trieste on friday, cause it's his birthday. i think it will be a nice ending of this exam period. and on monday i'm off to Rab in Croatia for a week. in my previous post i was talking about some disagrements in my capoeira group... well, it turned out that not everything will settle for the best. Dadá told me, if Ubaldo doesn't apologize to him, he will not train with him anymore. so that will be the end of our gatherings. well, we'll just have to find another way to see each other. Trieste is not so far. and i realised that the train ticket costs 'only' 20€ so it's affordable even for poor student like me. well, i certainly wnat to keep in touch with him, we became rather good friends. not so much in words... we always have language troubles, cause my portugese is not so good. but we kind of feel each other. anyways... i think it's a friendship worth putting some effort in. and as for my portuguese friends here... yesterday it was their last night here.. it was a good ending with the Terrakota. we couldn't have had it better. and we had nice time, Maria and Claudia cried all night.. but between we laughed and hugged a lot too. now they're already on their way to Romania. maybe i join them in august and we meet in Sarajevo. Sara is coming here! it will be nice to see her!! and on the end...ha, you thought i will say something about Sabin. well i'm not.. i wanted to.. but i'm not gonna. i don't know what to do... so i just try to put him out of my mind. fly away my pretty one.. fly away....

don't be positive, be productive

i'm making my holiday shopping list. i must say, it's much more fun, than studying meteorology! but i only put 3 things on, it shows that i don't cook. eheheh! and i still don't have idea what to cook for second meal, cause as you can imagine we split the days so that everyday someone else is repsonsible for the cooking. and of course i don't intend to put meat on my menu just because of my sisters boyfriend. yes Miha you've heard it. no meat for you in my kitchen! lol! sorry mate! anyways, the other day i found out that every time i drink soya milk, it tastes better. it's a progress.. ehehe! and i still didn't try to make it myself... i always say i will. ah well..

this weekend was not the best one.. it started already on friday on trainning when some of the people, including my professor got into a fight. i hope everything will settle for the best. i really don't want to end in another broken family. it's already hard enough for me to be in two groups just because some people don't get along with others. but i love them all... i don't want anyone to fight, to spread bad energy or in any other way break the harmony. and after all this i heard today that some inhabitants were complaining over our music on the trainnings and so we have no place now to train! that's shit!! how can people be so egoistic. as if we were some kind of vandals. i mean really, they complain if you're a drug addict, if you're drinking, if you are demolishing private and public property.. and now even if you do capoeira!! for god's sake... what are we supossed to do? sit at home and play bingo with our grandmas???
and after all this also sabin didn't appear. i have no idea what to do!

so tell me please, how can a person after all this and a night job study with full concentration and energy? i thought so...

when everything is quiet

i'm in front of a serious decision in my life. don't know what to do, how to react. but i need to do something for my own sake. i'm thinking.. am i just holding desperately to something that has already passed, or is it worth taking so much time in order to recieve a blessing on the end. but nobody knows the future and we have to live up for the moment right? at least that's what i'm always saying. and waiting for something to happen is certainly not a productive spending of moments. ah, to hell with everything... i'm fucked up again!

just breathe

i found this really nice song today by accident. i used to listen to it during my life in Lisboa. don't even remember where i got it, probably from one of the flatmates. but anyway... i've lost it somehow and forgot about it 'till now so i'm feeling enormously sentimental at the moment while i'm listening to this song. and it's not just the fact that the song reminds me of my so called happy times, but the lyrics are also very meaningfull... just believe, another day... just breathe. not much of a lyrics, but tells me everything i need to know in this moment. i'm feeling exactly like this song now...............

p.s. and btw the songs tittle is Breathe and performed by Telepopmusic. Recomended!!

omg

how do you know that you're addicted to computers? well, i'll tell you how... this is what just happened to me and i was shocked over myself. you know that you're addicted, when you study and instead of turnning your page in the book, you grab your mouse and scroll it!! and then you're even questioning why did the page not not turn!!!!! o my god! that's all i have to say =))))

are you blue?

amazing..life turns into unimaginable ways... how i love this rollercoster!!! kachiiing!! =) i have new metallic blue havaianas.. i rule! =)

forever, does it really exist?

i thought i have problems with human relations.. but now i'm not so sure if my problems are so bad. my phylosophy is that everything hapens for a reason... and i guess i will find about why did i had to finish with Sabin, a bit later on in my life. i thought he was the one... everyone was sceptic but i just believed.. i know i can be naive, but this time it felt real. but on the end it turned out not to be what i thought it was. well, what can you do, you can not force a person to stay with you, it makes it even worse. i love him with allmy heart,but he's a real jerk. for what he did to me there is no excuse...i am not giving him any more excuses, it's certainly not a way to treat your girl. well, i don't even know how to feel.. sorry for him, sad, angry... aah, as i said..mysteries of life!

midnight peace

middle of the night... i just realised i feel so calm now. it's because all the energy from the outside is quiet, everybody is sleeping, nobody is thinking of nobody, nobody is calling anybody, nobody is disturbing my midnight meditation. even though i'm working it's different from daily time. even my little crazy heart is holding still, only pumping blood through my veins...maybe he's a sleep. well, let him rest...

occupation

if you would ask me what is my occupation, i would answer this: whatever keeps me distracted from thinking about my broken heart.
this weekend we were in trieste, having batizado of capoeira. it sure distracted my mind and i'm glad. and it filled my energy with some positive vibes, exactly what i needed. sadly when i came back it all come back to me, i know also we shouldn't run away from our problems, but in my case.. the problem runs away from me so it's kinda hard to face him! =) funny, but at the same time sad.
so i just try to live day by day, NOT feeling sorry for myself and capoera is the thing that helps me. today i'm looking forward to train again, although my body is...khm, like i was 90 years old, everything hurts. nevertheless, we love it!!